I was asked to speak to a group of mothers recently. I spoke on the topics of building our children's self-esteem and sibling rivalry. I talked for thirty minutes or so, reminding them that children, and especially teenagers, will make better choices when they feel better about themselves. It's scary when a young person doesn't feel his life has meaning or value. The choices he can make are devastating. From how well they perform in school to moral choices they make on the weekends, it is terribly important that they realize how loved and valued they are.
We help our children have healthy self-esteems by validating their feelings, giving them appropriate praise for their accomplishments, and encouraging them to be well-rounded. I told the story of the young man who said no matter how many accomplishments he achieved, it was never good enough for his father. It's not easy, but we must be deliberate in building our children's self-esteem. It can make all of the difference in their lives.
I then talked about sibling rivalry. I told them this was normal and not to feel too guilty when their children argue. This is how they learn to interact with each other. This is how they learn to get along, to share, and to deal with adversity. I said we, as parents, need to step in when one child is truly bullying the other. We have to step in when harm is threatened. Moms may be more inclined to referee the moment a voice is raised, I told them, but I feel we should let them work things out as much as we can.
Anyway, it was an interesting discussion and I did my part, then asked if they had any questions or comments. What followed surprised me. They began to talk about the trouble they were having with their parents showing favoritism toward one of their children.
They told stories of grandmothers taking one child shopping and leaving the other one at home. Not that the grandmother was taking turns doing this, but continually buying for one and ignoring the other. A mother said one daughter is praised for her looks and the other, well, not so much. One mother said her parents bought expensive gifts for her children's cousins, but not them. One talked about the cousins being invited over all the time, but her children were not. On and on it went. I had no idea this was such a universal problem.
Parents, you know better than to show favoritism to one of your children. You know how devastating it can be to them. You know this was a problem in the first families of Old Testament and always has been. Grandparents, please realize that you can't show favoritism without hurting your grandkids. Perhaps some grandparents think it's okay to have favorites since they are a generation removed, but the hurt is just as real as it would be in your own home. I asked the women how they were dealing with this and one said she has told her parents that they have to take all of the children and cannot leave one at home. One mother said she has forbidden her parents from purchasing one child a gift without getting the other something too. These seem like reasonable solutions.
I think it's okay to take turns spending time with and fawning over the children, but kids are smart - smarter than we give them credit - and they know when they are being slighted or given preferential treatment. Careful, there is much pain at stake here.
