Do we talk to our kids too much? Let me ask that another way: do we say too much to our kids? Parenting expert
Brenda Bird says yes we do. She says one of the biggest mistakes parents make is yammering on and on to our kids. The problem is, they will eventually tune us out.
I guess the reason this is a problem is we talk to them so often when they are small. That’s a good thing, but if they enter junior high and we are still talking continuous baby talk to them, that’s not so good.
We ask them to do something, and they ignore us. So we ask again. And again. And again. If we find ourselves asking them twelve times to do something, the problem is not them, it’s us. We need to change our method because asking over and over is not working. What happens is they realize we are going to keep asking and the first few times don’t count. Those first few requests are just warm ups, so they ignore us until we get up and threaten them with some creative form of bodily harm. Then, maybe they will respond.
What we need to do is train them to hear us the first time we ask them to pick up their socks or empty water bottles or video game cases. We ask once, making sure they hear us, and if they don’t respond in a reasonable timeframe, there is a consequence; perhaps a loss of privilege, but it needs to be related to the crime so that it makes sense. Not too harsh or too soft. If we tell them they are grounded for a year, they know we are bluffing and our word is not much good. If we are fair and consistent, though, they will understand that when we tell them to do something we are serious.
For this to work, we have to make reasonable requests. If they are watching a TV show, it is only fair to wait until a commercial to make a request. If they are trying to watch something and we are talking to them, they are guaranteed to tune us out. I really don’t blame them! It is inconsiderate when you really think about it. We might say something like, “Don’t start another show until you pick up after yourself.”
We must let them know that we expect them to act when we speak, but we must also keep our requests fair and consistent. If we are talking to them about something they need to do in two weeks, they will tune us out. If we are fussing about something beyond their control, they will tune us out. If we are complaining about something trivial to them, they will tune us out. If we start a sentence with, “When I was your age”, they will tune us out.
And if we think we can change their behavior with many words we may be setting ourselves up for a disappointment. Children tend to do what they see us do. If we leave our shoes in the middle of the living room, that’s what they’ll do too, and nagging won’t change that.
As our children get older it is important to keep the lines of communication open, but nagging and talking to them all the time actually closes the communication. We should choose our words wisely, say them at the right time, and expect results. Our children want to hear from us. They want affirmation and encouragement. I think we can do this without talking too much.
Our dog, Jello, ran out and barked at this deer this morning. The deer snorted at him. At one point they were nose to nose, but my camera's batteries died (of course) at that moment. Since it was morning, Jello had to abandon the close encounter and take care of some morning business!
Do we talk to our kids too much? Let me ask that another way: do we say too much to our kids? Parenting expert Brenda Bird says yes we do. She says one of the biggest mistakes parents make is yammering on and on to our kids. The problem is, they will eventually tune us out.
We feed American Goldfinches during the winter. This was their second winter to spend with us. They love sunflower seeds and that's what we kept in the feeder all winter. So, one of the seeds fell into the soil and germinated. Today, we were given this reward of a sunflower.
(Here is a picture of a goldfinch, too.)
“How do you know you love God more than you love me?” This is the question my son asked me the other night. I can see why he would ask such a question. How do we know we love God, who is unseen? How can we say we love him more than those who are right next to us? How can we say we love God more than our family members? “Well,” I said, “I know I love God the most because of the decisions I make every day. I show God I love him by the way I treat you and your mom and sister.” “Yeah, that makes sense,” he said. He was satisfied with the answer and we moved on to the next topic. David may not have thought again about his question, but I have pondered it. One interesting thing about it is that David was perfectly content with the thought that I love God more than him. There is no jealousy about this. He has learned that if I love God the most, I will treat him the best I possibly can. I will be fair, just, kind, sympathetic, encouraging, and interested in his life when I put God first. I heard someone say one time that if your spouse doesn't put God first, you won't come in even a close second. I think in general, a person either puts himself or God first. If he loves himself most, his decisions will reflect this; if he puts God first, this too will be born out in his actions. David has learned that if his dad will give God first place in his life, he will treat the family so much better. I think it is also true that the more we love God, the more we will show it by the way we treat others. In the Bible, John said, “If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” (1 John 4:20). Scripturally, it is impossible to love God if we do not love one another. And the more we love God, the more we will love each other. We can know we love God because of our actions, decisions and love for one another. The best gift we can give our family members is to love God more than them.
